The Sala-Blog: 2011 State of the Union salute to Johnny Carson

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

2011 State of the Union salute to Johnny Carson

5:55 PM

As I posted earlier, since the economic downturn, it's been a tradition of mine to make 25 Johnny Carson esque "How Bad Is It?" jokes on Twitter before the State of the Union.

Every President usually begins with "My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is strong."

But it isn't strong. It's bad. And Johnny's Tonight Show audience would have shouted, "How Bad Is It?" ---before Johnny would have rattled off a bunch of puns and one liners, often using topical headlines of the day.

My God, I miss Johnny Carson.

And so, in opposite order, here are the 25 I rattled off this year, for my now annual tradition in honor of the great Johnny Carson:

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My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so dreadful that it stinks like patchouli and listens to Dub-Step.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so petrifying that it must have had the same plastic surgeon as Heidi Montag.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so heavy, that it is based on a character from the novel PUSH by Sapphire.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so Grimm, that it's the muscle for the Fantastic Four. (for my fellow comic book nerds)

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is bankrupt, but like our own corporations, the Chinese seem to think we're too big to fail.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so disgusting that we've got less substance than Taco Bell "meat."

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so repulsive that it may as well be tattooed on Iggy Pop's wrinkling and sagging chest.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so diminished that it could be photographed from within Brett Favre's pants.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so polluted that you'd think we're a nation of smoking babies from India.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so battered, you'd think that it's been dating Chris Brown.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so jittery, it's like drinking a Trente sized coffee from Starbucks.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so shameful, that it makes MTV's adaptation of SKINS look like SESAME STREET.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so disappointing that my parents forgot to wish it a happy birthday this year too.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so far off-line that one would think that it's being run by the servers at Tumblr.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so busted that you may as well start calling it Snookie.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so fucked up that they found 3 cans of 4-Loko on it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so terrible that Pittsburgh Steeler fans throw towels at it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so unhealthy, that it has been named the new lead singer for Poison.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so decrepit, that a 24-year-old Playmate, Crystal Harris, plans to marry it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so tragic, that Sarah Palin is deleting all of her tweets about it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so nasty, that Charlie Sheen has it locked in a closet right now.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so abusive, that it plays quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so vulgar, that it won't be asked back to host the Golden Globes again next year.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so tanked, that it could be confused with a golden-voiced drifter.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so criminal, it's sharing a cell with Bernie Madoff.

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May God bless America.

The Sala-Blog

2011 State of the Union salute to Johnny Carson

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