Follow Friday on Twitter

I've really come to enjoy all of the funny people I've found on Twitter, and in honor of the tweeted tradition of #FollowFriday, I'd like to salute my favorites by listing some of their tweets. (In no particular order) My list proves that women are funnier than men. These are the people I feel you HAVE to follow if you're on Twitter. Of course, if you don't already, FOLLOW ME! (and click the star icon whenever you laugh!)

michaelsalamone

One day I'll be inducted into the bachelor's hall of fame and awarded a trophy wife.

Now... My suggestions:

Girl11Eleven
It's become difficult to use the phrase "Plan B" without sounding as if you've been doing the dirty and was irresponsible the night before.

StealingKitty

Is it just me or does this sore throat make my clit look bigger? I'm totally asking for my jealous butthole.


iamnotdiddy
"Daddy, what's a swinger's club?" "Son, that's where daddy goes to watch mommy give other men blow jobs. Pass the syrup, please."

prettygirlmason

I have my cell phone on vibrate. It really is just the little things.

StillDrew
I called in to the bar. Told them I'd be drinking from home today.

debihope
If I wanted to hear what you had to say I would have removed the duct tape.

Lorisays
TMZ now reporting that Kanye was upset because Taylor Swift refused to accept his Mafia Family invitation.

AClkwrkStarfish
There's something to be said for fake tits, they make excellent hand warmers if you microwave them long enough.

WhateverLucy
I must say since I started puttin birth control pills in my bosses coffee he's become more kind & sensitive, also his moobs are looking fuller.

rachyrach1
Wow! It sure is gorgeous out. I can tell because while I lay on my couch lots of people are walking by my house

rediscover_me
Am I insensitive for seeing the pic of a 94y/o man when he was in his 20's & thinking 'I would've hit that like the fist of an angry god!'??

bedheadblonde
FYI: It's spelled "grammar". "Grammer" is your white trash grandmother.

MeanMartini
Some bitches should NOT do porn. I just threw up. On the cameraman. I think I'm fired.

afoolishwit
I'd twitpic one of my bras, but I'd have to stand on the roof of my house to get the whole thing in frame.

BlingVodka
Growing up in my house in Southern CA gave a whole new meaning to "the land of fruits and nuts".

redtothetone
this lifetime channel is awesome! i don't know why guys hate it so much. brb...gotta go kill my husband & search for my missing baby.

thechrisbell
once, online, I was asked if I was light meat or dark meat, this was particularly scary as it was a forum for cannibals

kauihemmings
I want a comfort book, comfort money and comfort new kitchen to go with my comfort food.

diablocody
Ah, the patriotic "flag bikini." There's nothing like having a nation's pride wadded up in your labia.

SarahKSilverman

I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.

fizzystarlet
It would be helpful if my boobs were bigger, then my iphone would fit more snuggly in my bra.

AmberTozer
I want to be a really crazy old person. Once my looks go and guys have no interest in banging me, I'm gonna get real honest about life.

andrewFessenden
Three runners died running the Detroit Marathon today. Looks like I won't be jogging anytime soon, its just not safe.

capricecrane
When you get down and hopeless in life, remember: the fat kid from "Stand by Me" married Rebecca Romijn. Never give up.

MarciMarketing
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

crustyjuggler72
I like my men like I like my bras. Supportive and the last thing to get off.

SleeplessBeauty

I want to be a ghostwriter when I die.

BobCervantes
Asked God for an extra day to better prepare for a test. Class was cancelled for 2 weeks. Currently asking God for 5 dollars.

bestgirlbetty
Wait. Sex can be had when SOBER?? Jesus. This changes everything. Does everything still go in the same place? Last part is for a friend.

gothscifigirl
Saw a guy with a $20 bill sticking out of his fly.Pretty ingenious trying to capitalize on the fact that women can't resist blowing money.

-----
And this is Cale. He's not a Tweet-Comedian, but he's a young musician that is going to be famous one day. Get on board early and support him:

calehawkins
kicked it off with gil scott-heron "the revolution will not be televised", then erykah's "baduizm", then two albums from minnie riperton.

Private Dick versus Major Bummer

What if I was asked to produce a soundtrack to a James Bond like spy movie? Since it seems like nobody will ever ask, I just went ahead and did so.

http://michaelsalamone.com/Private Dick versus Major Bummer.mp3

Guided by a Furry Sherpa

New song from old sounds saluting an old friend in modern times...

http://michaelsalamone.com/Guided by a Furry Sherpa.mp3

Humoring Myself

Rather than telling people when I'm brushing my teeth or running to the store for some Tums, I tend to like to keep my Facebook status messages light. Sure, some social commentary sneaks in there too, but generally, I use the medium to tell jokes in the first person.

Naturally, when I started using Twitter, it became another outlet for me to tell jokes on. It's not as rewarding as hearing laughter, but I can publish my one-liners from my phone no matter what I'm doing. I really like it. Despite the 140 character limit, I feel more free to make zingers on Twitter than on Facebook.

Until last night. Last night I began a little experiment on Facebook, publishing status updates that went unused in the past, because they happened before Facebook was invented. The same type of jokes I usually make on Facebook, but with a touch of time travel. I doubt anyone else is getting a kick out of these, but I sure am.

so far:

Michael Salamone would give Justine Bateman "Satisfaction." (an unused status update from 1988)

Michael Salamone feels that must have been on a sound stage, simply because Buzz and crew wouldn't be able to withstand exposure to radiation from the Van Allen radiation belt and galactic ambient radiation, as per the failed '62 Starfish Prime tests. (an unused status update from 1969)

Michael Salamone just had to tell four brunettes who were screaming at the top of their lungs what's going on. (an unused status update from 1993)

Michael Salamone highly suggests going to the theater with Alanis Morissette. (an unused status update from 1995)

Michael Salamone wonders if he thanks Bryan Adams for everything he's done, if he'll stop bragging about it in song. (unused status update from 1991)

Michael Salamone is stuck in traffic like Oliver North's Costa Rican cocaine after after the Boland Amendment cut off CIA funding for the Contras. (unused status update from 1987)

Weekend of Indie Cred in the Rocks that are Red

Monolith Festival at Red Rocks on Saturday and Sunday left me feeling torn and torn up. While Red Rocks will always be my favorite place to see a concert, I'm not sure it works for the multi-stage concept, especially one that attracts so many young hipsters.

It was amazing to see so many great acts. Phoenix, Chromeo, Passion Pit, Starfucker, the Walkmen, M. Ward and Danielle Ate the Sandwich all stand out. But the three smaller stages were a nuisance, often filled past capacity and then shut down because of it. The weather was horrible on Saturday. Cold and rainy, once they shut down the indoor stages they wouldn't even let you into the bathrooms to dry off. I saw security staff make little girls cry over the issue. In short, it was poorly organized and understaffed. The capacity issues should have been dealt with in real time, not after the fact. If I'd paid for my tickets, I would have been livid to how uncaring the promoters seemed.

Red Rocks is a National Park. I've seen hundreds of shows there. I've never seen a crowd of concert goers treat the place with so much disrespect. There was litter everywhere. People were rude. I was disappointed in the young hipsters who treated this landmark natural treasure like it was their own personal garbage can. I understand you don't want to wash your hair for weeks on end, but let's keep this beautiful natural amphitheater clean.

Before the Walkmen played, the MC went after these kids. "I know it's cold and wet, and I'm sorry. But I don't feel sorry for how you thin little hipsters dressed. You and your skinny jeans. Eat a fucking sandwich. You need serious help with your wardrobes."

Despite all this, the performers gave their all. The music was worth getting soaked and treated like shit, but of course, my tickets were free. Monolith would be better suited in Staples field, like Mile High Music Fest, or at multiple venues in LoDo.

Not all of my photos turned out, but here are some that did...

These guys climbed up the rocks, and were surely arrested a few songs after.



















Danielle Ate the Sandwich is just as charming as she seems on YouTube.






















I'm pretty sure this guy was running around the parking lot to protest a performance by Deer Tick.




OK Go asked if they would get mugged in Denver, before launching confetti everywhere.











M. Ward was quite a bit more Rockabilly than I expected, which was a good thing.


















The Walkmen had the nicest batch of Saturday's weather.

















Method Man and Red Man sure like to talk about weed and say "fuck."

Chromeo is a two-man dance party, but we already knew that.





Phoenix was the highlight of the festival in my opinion.

RIP and Rally for the Lion

I just learned that the Lion of the Senate, Teddy Kennedy has passed away at the age of 77.

Democrats, it's time to grow a backbone, and fight for a public option and health care reform. Do it for Teddy. Pass it under his name. Republicans and racists be damned. Let them shout nonsense at town halls. Do it for Teddy.

Health care reform was what he wanted to live to see. Do it for Teddy. Pass it under his name. Rally for him. You can do it. Please.

Do it for Teddy.

Red Rocked and Lip Locked

The Flaming Lips stepped out of a giant video vagina and into my heart.

Literally. Well, the first part is literal, the second is figurative. They didn't really step into my heart. I'm a big guy, but they didn't cut me open, pull out my heart and walk through it. It did feel that way though. Wow.

When a giant video of a nude woman dancing begins, I'm inclined to pay attention. When it zooms in on her vagina, my jaw drops. When four grown men then walk out of the vagina, down a cat-walk, pick up their instruments and begin to play; I'm utterly flabbergasted.

Que lead singer Wayne, who is then birthed into an egg bubble, which at the climax he crowd surfs on a wave of people dressed as furries, before breaking through and taking the microphone.

That was the first 3 minutes of the Flaming Lips set at Red Rocks last night. From there it only got weirder.

Complete with costumed characters, lasers, video displays, light shows, fog cannons, confetti blasters and balloons bigger than Elvis, this modern-day attempt at Vaudeville was so over the top that it came back around again and patted us on our asses.

While it seemed Wayne was a little disappointed with a late Sunday night, Colorado sun roasted audience's energy levels, the fans were all blown away, in their own way. Jaws were dropped. Songs were sung along to so hard the band was drowned out. The Lips delivered, just like their opening skit promised.

At least that's one interpretation of why so many psychedelic vagina light shows were necessary.